Rain

It has been raining pretty constantly here in Galway and I finally realised yesterday why mexico is so dry. Because all the rain is here in Ireland! I am looking forward to going back to hot dryness now.

It is one thing I have learnt doing this work and seeing myself more and more clearly, that women keep themselves small so that men will love them. We blame the men but really it is us that need to stand up and reclaim our power. No more victims, no more ‘poor me’.

I have also been asking myself why I write this blog. Does it really help what I want to achieve in my life right now? It has been really good for me to do this, public expose of my inner doubts and fears which I have always kept secret but now I need to re-evaluate why I write here and what purpose I want it to serve. I think I will keep it ticking along until I figure it out.

What else, I talked to my mother about doing this work, the Toltec path, which I had never done before, fears of their judgment I suppose which is really my own. Also stuff about how we take on things from our parents and how unsaid emotions go to the person who is saying them and if no one is saying them then they rattle around looking for some sort of a release. I was happy afterwards I talked to her about it but there was also a part of me really worried she was going to be angry, and I could feel myself wanting to run and reassure her.

I need to reassure myself. I cannot change or fix someone else. Old dream, look after everyone else first and give all your energy away so you have nothing left. New Dream, heal yourself first then you will have energy to give to others from love and not from limitation.

So with love, from a surprisingly sunny morning in salthill, galway…..

subjective versus objective

We are subjective beings, even when we think we are being objective we are still looking out from a lifetimes store of experiences and assumptions and learnt behaviours.

I was thinking about this when I was trying to describe the Toltec teachings to people as I wander around putting up posters and leaving fliers and talking to people who are interested. Anything I say about it comes from my experience of having done the work and felt the changes that took place in me. I feel freer and happier and more at ease with myself and others around me. I can say that to people but I can’t show them. Except of course by being who I am.

I was making an ad for the irish independant this morning, small space, vital I choose the right words. At the beginning i put the fact that it is an ancient mexican teaching of warriorship for changing your life. Then I thought about this and I realised that this what appealed to me. I loved the history of the teaching, the fact it has been aound for centuries being passed down from generation to generation, changing and staying the same with each transition. Maybe that won’t interest others, maybe it will but I have to describe it somehow to grab attention in 10 cm of space.

Same with my art work. I was remembering from art college when they taught us to look objectivaly at our work and cut through the padding to get as close as we could to what we wanted to express. I can look at my work objectivaly to a certain point and I am very grateful to have received the training I got but still when all comes to all I am still looking at my own work and there are certain things I cannot see because I am still looking subjectively.

So thats the thing, I really don’t know what someone is thinking about until I ask them and sometimes I don’t even know what I am really thinking about until I sit down and really ask myself. Because as with the art work there are things sometimes about my life I can’t see because I am the one looking at them.

The birds in the photos flew over my head very close and very fast and I could actually feel the noise of their wings. A very cool, very subjective experience.

clouds’ illusions

I was standing on a kerb yesterday waiting for Marie Therese to pick me up to go out to Ballyvaughen. A car passed by with a family who were black. Mother, father and a pile of kids in the back seat, my mind wandered off on little thoughts of immigration, and how ireland is changing and how I am never here either but living in another country to the one I was born in like these folks and then I saw another child in the back of the car and I remembered on long journeys when we were little the back of the car was the best place to lie down and sleep.

Then the next car had a young man in it and I thought about my brother who drives very fast and is trying to acheive something from his life.

The next car had an older woman in it who looked like my aunt and I wondered did she drive the same way as my aunt (my aunt constantly puts her foot on the brake so the car always seems like its trying to go but she stops it with little jerks of the brake)

A few more cars passed by before I pulled myself back and realised this is how projections work. I didn’t know these people at all. I had never spoken to them or met them or probably was never going to meet them but yet seeing them triggered a little story in my head which would change when the next one came into my range of vision. The story triggers an emotion and all of a sudden I am hooked on the emotion and the story and they have become my reality.

This realisation triggered a thought of ‘mm, must write a post about this’ the mind never stops trying to create the world, thoughts are like clouds they shift and change and move and dissapear and create shapes and illusions. They take us out of the moment and into the past and the future.

I shall leave you with a quote from Joni Mitchell

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

posters and fliers and expectations

I am off to Galway today to put posters and leave fliers for the workshops I am organizing. It’s funny doing this, It is reminding me of all the times I would have done it for gigs we were doing. Book the venue, do the radio interview, put up the posters, tell everyone we knew and then when the night of the gig arrived we would do the sound check, and then sit back and wait for people to arrive. Sometimes they would arrive early and we would relax and enjoy and sometimes nobody would come for ages and we would have visions of playing to three people, but eventually they would trickle in little by little and we would always have a full house to play to.

Same feeling here, putting the fliers out and spreading the word and waiting for the response. I am feeling responsible for getting people and a part of me wants to push and control it and thinks that if I don’t do it right nobody will come and I will be to blame. This is where, I think, doing your best comes into play, that if I do my best and give it the energy it needs and deserves then no matter the outcome I will know I did what was to be done and I couldn’t have done it any differently, where-as if I had skimped on time and attention I will always wonder what if?

Of course the other side of that is my wonderful judge who will try to make me feel bad no matter what I did but I try not to listen to him.

I remember putting up a poster for Reiki in Guanajuato and having this wonderful realization afterwards that I didn’t need to worry about it or try to control it, if there was someone who needed my energy they would find me so I could relax and let the universe do its stuff. Nobody did arrive but I figured I had put up the poster for me to have that revelation, to not be attached to outcome and then I can take the risk of doing something new.

timing…

… is a very old art that I have great difficulty in coming to terms with in the moment yet when I look back on situations I realise they happened at the perfect time and I couldn’t have made it any more perfect. This applies to little things like catching a train or going for coffee and to big things like when to travel to mexico.

Yesterday wandering around dublin doing posters I am waiting for my friend to come and collect me to go to her house. I think she must be getting close, I move towards the curbside and who do I see cycling towards me but a college friend I completely lost touch with. I smile at her and she sees me and her faces changes to puzzlement for a second and then she smiles and she stops the bike beside me.

Or I wanted to go to galway today to do posters and then the woman who was going to give me a lift out to a hotel calls and says she can’t so I rethink my plans maybe leaving galway open maybe waiting till friday and I ring a friend to say hi and it turns out her dad had died on sunday so I am going home instead to go to the funeral. If I had gone to galway I wouldn’t have rung her, but it turns out I am exactly where I need to be.

I get worried about not doing enough or in time and life constantly shows me that things happen exactly when they are supposed to happen and the more time I spend struggling against it then the longer I will suffer. The fear comes in when my mind thinks it wants certain things and thinks that if I stop working towards those things then I won’t get them and instead of seeing a future filled with other wonderful possibilities and happenings and achievements it just sees a future of minus the things it thinks it wants. A future of lack.

kind of like the state of the economy in ireland at the moment… everyone is seeing a future of lack and poverty…

also, the posters I am putting up refer to these workshops. I will write some more about them in a bit but here is the link to check them out right now Toltec Self Mastery Workshops and if you want an email with more info on prices and locations email me and I will send it to you

Two wise pieces of advice when making a decision

The first is from a film called ‘Ghost Dog’ where the main character is living the life and ideals of a samurai warrior. He reads from his book during the film the following quote

~ In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side.~

I think its to do with the fact that when faced with a difficult decision we already know which way we will choose but fear prevents us from making ourselves sure. The answer is in our hearts and in our inner being.

The second is from a carlos casteñeda book. When Don Juan tells him a warrior never regrets a decision. Once the choice is made then there is no looking back, only forward.

Both such simple pieces of advice and so hard to follow!

clinical worrier

I went for a massage recently and got the knot in my shoulder worked out. She is really good and knows what she is doing and sometimes when she has my shoulder blade and is pushing and pulling it out at the same time the pain is incredible but oh the relief when she lets go and the pain that was there beforehand is there no longer.

I think I identify with this knot I have in my shoulder blade. The constant nagging ache makes me frustrated and unhappy and uneasy and then, because I know it is there because of some unease in my emotional body I judge myself for having it and think oh why oh why can’t I get rid of this, I must be stuck with some block in my energy I can’t get rid of.

So, getting rid of it by massage I know is a short term solution but how nice not to have it and I realized yesterday I actually felt a peace with the world and with myself and only later thought that maybe it was because the knot had gone. Me without the knot in my shoulder. I guess I will go more regularly to her for a massage and let her heal my physical body so I can feel happier and more able to look at the emotional parts I can heal in me. A balance, I know sometimes I don’t want to go and get a massage because I am pushing myself.

I had a revelation about what to say to Paul too while I was getting it, it all seemed so simple. I was being frustrated with him too, wanting to push and not knowing where I wanted to go and I suppose by way of an apology and by way of accepting my own stuff I realized I just actually needed to tell him I was a worrier and a bit neurotic and my mind made me wrong all the time and made me feel bad about myself (no matter where I was or what I was doing) that from the heart I really wanted to be with him, that I was working on it, but that’s who I am. What a relief.

Is there a term like clinical depression that applies to worriers? People whose mind makes them wrong and judges them all the time? Because sometimes it’s like there is two of me, one part that goes with the flow and is happy and knows what she wants and is going there one step at a time and lives from the heart and then another side who I feel I have to fight all the time to stay on the first course, who is fearful and frustrated and extremely angry at what? I don’t know, life in general I guess, the two year old anger that she can’t control the people outside of her, the fear that she might get forgotten or ignored. The part that pushes me and says not enough or not fast enough or not good enough.

I feel she has got smaller. Maybe something to do with the dream about the evil head I had a few days ago. Maybe I have got stronger and am not listening to her and lately how I have been feeling is like a last temper tantrum trying to stay I control. Hope so. I don’t want her anger anymore, or her fear, I know it’s not real. I choose to be happy and when all lies and manipulation and control and fear have been left behind there is only truth and nothing can change that. My truth, who I really am.

white fox

White fox is a character that has been around for a while. I am not sure where she came from except she jumped in front of me once in a meditation and cocked her shiny black eyes in my direction and I have been kinda hooked ever since. She takes on many forms.

I suppose she could be to do with camoflage. The artic fox changing its coat in the winter to blend with the snow so maybe she is to do with the other side of me. The one who is still hiding in the snow.

white fox dances while I look on

White fox is the mysterious dancer, slightly out of reach and almost not there. I watch as I walk my path in life. White Fox doesn’t care who sees or not. She is dancing.

She dances again while it rains. She puts on her special dress for the rain and enjoys the water

i am listening to white fox while she explains the art of camoflage

Camouflage. Hiding. In the snow. Good or bad? not sure. To be able to camouflage can be a useful skill but I guess needs to be used in a way of power and not of fear.

Maybe I will ask her in a dream. Or maybe the lesson is to learn the opposite. To not hide, to show myself standing out against the snow. To not wear the white robe in winter and the red one in summer. Who knows, I guess I will find out some day.

x

make a wish

Happy christmas day! eat too much, lie around, cheat at pictionary, watch the bad old timer movie, shuffle through wrapping paper and collapsed children worn down from excitement and uncle paul winding them up with the nerf guns, probably one or two sent to their room in tears for a little time out and a calm down.

My family has only one still not even a year old to contend with, we are quite boring on christmas day, we lie around and read or pick endlessly at the food. This year with pauls family I have entered the kids zone again. There seem to be endless children of all ages.

Ok so now make a wish…. this is christmas present to anyone reading this post (and it doesn’t have to be christmas day you are reading it either). Get piece of paper, write your wish down and then roll it up real small and burn it.

two guidelines to follow

happy language, no negative words whatsoever, so no I don’t want this (Fear, poverty, anger, addiction, etc) anymore, have to phrase it in a positive way.

don’t let your mind tell you whatever you are wishing for is impossible, make the wish, what ever your heart desires, and then let the universe worry about how to get it to you.

happy wishing!  x cliodhna

the two pictures are from a while ago from a story called ‘Crow Makes a Wish’ Crow inserts a wish between sea and sky. A wish for companionship, an equal, his opposite. The second one is when blue baby arrives on the sea shore. It has a memory of wings and rain and salt water.

a story about the beginning of the world

First came the in-breath, the gasp from nothingness, the awakening the awareness of being. Nothing still was, just pure awareness and stillness, waiting for the impulse to move.

Then came first pondering; A simple ?. No words as yet just pure question, a wondering of the awareness.

Next came second pondering, an awareness of ‘self’ as something different to ‘other’. In the vastness and wideness of the beginning of the world ‘self’ looked round and thought ‘I’ and ‘you’

The vastness and wideness of the beginning of the world did not say anything back, did not look back, just was, in its awareness there was no difference between ‘I’ and ‘you’

The self began to name things; self needed some landmarks to make the vastness smaller and easier to live in. Tree (big green fluffy), grass (green soft), mother (love),

The world began to turn and the stars began to move and the self was frightened. Self asked the world “Why are you so big and all? And do not pay me any attention?”

The world did not answer.

Self asked again “Why do you not do what I say?”

The world did not answer

“You do not love me” said Self sadly

Then he heard a voice inside him “You are loved little self, you exist because you are loved, there is no difference between you and me, we are, look around you at the vastness and wideness of the beginning of the world and stop putting names on things to make it seem smaller”

“Who is speaking” cried Self

“I/You are speaking” replied the voice and suddenly Self understood, the world had begun and everything, self included, was part of it. Everything was on the journey and self was there to witness and be a traveler on the voyage. Self smiled.

The stars twinkled, “Hello stars”

The rain started to fall from the clouds “Hello clouds, hello rain”

Self looked in a puddle at the reflection “Hello Self”