cliodhna’s wave

this picture is about the judge that lives in us. I find him very strong sometimes. The guilt that tells us we have done a bad thing, the voice that says we shouldn’t have fun, should be more successful, more happy, more creative, more talented, more whatever. It is also the voice which judges other people too. We judge outside of ourselves so we don’t have to face our own perceived shortcomings. The judge in the picture is not touching the ground because he is not connected with the earth but lives entirely in the mind.
There is healing going on here too though, my higher self sees the judge giving out to the small child and is sending healing energy.
Down with the judge! We are all perfect just the way we are…

The next picture is tears. I find I go straight to tears whenI am doing emotional work. Part of it is buried anxiety or hidden fears or old sadnesses that I haven’t faced and which have built up and part of it is fear of letting go, the mind wants to hang onto to its control as long as it possibly can. I have actually gotten quite accepting of crying in front of people and very accepting of other people crying. I am happy to sit and be a witness, give support and just let them go through their process.

I am sitting in my parents house in Ireland writing this and it is beautiful outside. A perfect irish summer day. Sunny, calm, birds singing. I am going to have breakfast and then go for a walk in the mountains.

x clio

its tuesday.. reminds me of Popeyes friend.. can’t remember his name.. “i’ll gladly pay you tuesday” hey that would be a good slogan for a t-shirt. I am a bit obsessed with slogans for T-shirts at the mo.. heres one I made up

I don’t give a fork about spooning

and another

I am really a child-eating reptilian bent on galactic domination (david ike inspired that one)

The first one is getting a better response, though I would definitely wear the second one. Threadless is my new toy until I find another.

I have been messing with oil paints and changed my way of painting with them. I think I have actually gone backwards a little to when I first started painting with oils and I was messy and used the paint straight onto the canvas with swirls and lines and patterns. I got more refined in the meantime and was using layers and small brushes and the proper proportion of oil to spirits and all that and now I have come full circle back to straight from the tube onto the surface. So much fun! Here is a painting I did recently. Paul asked me to do one with lots of hands and it was easter to the two combined in my head to a spring growing picture

What else, I got some more funky mexican oil cloth and am starting to make some wee change purses with it. I have for sale on my etsy shop. 8 dollars each which is approx 5 euro. I was very pleased with myself though, I have finally conquered the dreaded zip insertion, its actually very simple, if anyone wants to know I could post about it, with pictures. I have been putting this off for years! always using some other way of closing my bags but now!!! aha! took me two tries.. you should see the first purse I made. It works but the seams are all over the place. here is the front of one of them. I love this fabric.

Ok, I have a list of things I want to accomplish today. I am going to buy knitting needles and some more zips, paint a picture, make two more purses, do some more photoshop work on a design, learn to scuba dive (I wish) and …….

x clio

…and the cock crew at midnight, witching hour, space between yesterday and tomorrow, a tiny space of now.

I slept and did not hear his clarion call to the world, that caused small animals to look up in wonder and large ones to feel the pull in their bellies. I felt it in my bones though, and dreamt of tidal waves and earthquakes and great winds sweeping the earth.

In the chicken coop an egg was beginning to hatch, the chick following blind instinct to hit out at the darkness surrounding it, to crack, to break, to push outwards. Imagine! all the world this chick has ever known is about to get as big as eternity.

But then, the world is the perfect size for each of us and we should not be afraid of the spaces between the stars.

x cliodhna,

to all us little chicks pushing out and breaking out of all the world we have ever known!

So, birds are messengers between ourselves and the other world. i am sending my wish to the universe and it flies outward to bring it to the heart of all, the source. The earth supports me in this, she looks on happily sending me inspiration so I can find the exact right words I need in order to frame my wish. She holds the sun within herself and the moon  in her hand through all its phases of waxing and waning.
I have finished these and are already planning the next two. Getting to grips once more with oil paints and I am having ideas I want to try out…. such fun!

I finished the two paintings I was working on. Time to tell the story. Paul kept asking me what they were about and I would just say ‘you know, freedom’ very articulate I know but sometimes I can’t say until they are finished and I am so much better at writing this than saying them. So here it is!

I had a dream about a wee brown bird. I took this brown bird away from where it was living because I wanted to protect it. The bird was angry with me for having done this and was going to fly back to where it came from. I was really worried about it because I figured it was too small to do this safely but then I looked and the brown bird had turned into a young man with a backpack on his back and I realised he could do it if he wanted.

The moral of the story? wee brown birds are perfectly capable of looking after themselves

The meaning of the dream? I am that part of me that I figure can’t look after myself. I mother the bird, trying to protect it and it gets angry with me for not letting it live its own life. The bird/young man is that part of me that is very able to take care for itself but just looks small and fragile right now. I have to stop trying to look after it and trying to keep it by me but let it fly and go where it wants to go. Let myself go where I want to go and do what I want to do and trust myself and my wishes and heart wants in life.

I will have the other finished painting and the story behind it in a day or two..

x

I love oil paints.. have I said that before? probably a few times, I love the smell of them, they make me feel like a real artist, but also the depth of the colours you can achieve with them and the lustre of the paint and the malleability and also the fact that they take a whole heap of time to dry so I can take my time with textures and details.

Watercolours are like a zen meditation.. brush poised.. hold it… take a deep breath.. now go! and don’t stop until you finish!

Oils are more like the progression of a turtle.. ambling happily on the journey, pause, admire the flowers, ponder on significance of this, take the wrong turn, get it right, oh look we have arrived and just in time for tea!

I use washes under colours, deep blue under light blue, light blue under deep, yellow ochre under anything green so I can use a prussian blue wash to get the most incredible green.

I scratch into the paint before it dries, using the colour underneath to be the contrast.

Here is the next stage of the two paintings I am working on at the mo.

I see new artists all the time now, on etsy and outside through others blogs. Some I like, some I don’t really have a connection with, some are really sweet, some I know I like because they remind me of my style and some I look at with a critical eye and would love to give them a few tips or ideas on pushing the edge of where they are. A very few I love, because they inspire me or because they make me happy or I connect with the person who is making the art on some level or just something abstract that art critics have been trying to define for centuries. ‘Why do you like a particular piece of art and not another?’

But! very very rarely I see someone elses art and it just makes me stop. Makes me come to a halt and almost get jealous, (well, ok, leave out the almost) for a second or two. Can’t compare! I have my own paintings to paint!

this is the shop I found the other day ‘obsoleteworld‘

They make me sad and lonesome and draw me into the little worlds that are in each picture. I showed them to Paul and another artist friend later that night and we ooohed and ahhed and ‘this one is my favourite’ and ‘no, this one is I think’! Read her profile too..

Well, time to return to my personal world and keep on with the two paintings I started. I have taken pictures of them and am going to post as they progress! Happy days when my hands are covered in prussian blue and my head aches slightly from the smell of white spirit. Have to move onto linseed oil but I find if I use oil for the earlier layers of a painting it becomes to glossy and washes won’t stick. I actually know nothing about oil painting, I just love the medium and am discovering tricks as I go.

Here is the first stage of the paintings..

I was doing a tarot reading with Paul last night, the osho zen tarot, I love them. They have a directness and a simplicity and a connection with here and now that I like. Anyway, I asked for me and ’sorrow’ came up and I was explaining to Paul that, for me, to really release sorrow you have to go into it and experience it and not try to run from it into control (whatever form that takes.. television, books, cigarettes, food, anger, however) and also what was I hanging onto in my life that I didn’t want to let go of, didn’t want to fully mourn and accept that it was gone. For me also tears are about the fear of letting go, the mind goes to fear and out come the tears.

I started a path about three years ago working with the toltec teachings and I don’t think I have ever cried so much and in front of people too! Its my first port of call and sometimes I hate it and try not to and other times I accept it and accept the fact that it will pass in time.

I know when I am in control because I feel a pushing in my solar plexus, a frustration, a want that cannot be satisfied, anger, a feeling of wanting to pick a fight, a need to make someone else wrong or make them little. It is my flag, this feeling, that it is time to relax, let myself fall into truth of here and now, stop trying to twist the world into my idea of how it should be and let it flower in its own time. I think I have been feeling this way recently, I have been doing so much administration, getting the past in order, setting up structures (like this blog and my shop) looking at other amazing blogs, making a web of myself on the ephemeral world that is cyberspace, that I fell into the illusion of control, I could, by much action, shape my world into happy and successful.

This is my fear, an old one, to control how others see me, to make them like me, to manipulate the world so I get what (i think) I need. The fear of really truly being exactly who I am right now because it might not be enough and the sorrow is to let go of the facade and let truth shine through. There is only truth.

The second card I got was ’sharing’, the image of a woman offering a bowl of fruits. She has so much she can give and she gives from endless abundance. This is the way past my fear, to share with the world what I have because each of us has a unique path and wisdom to give to the world and there is always enough for everyone. My mum used to say that we each born with our own packet of love and each child had his/her own.

I have been connecting with others who are on the same path as I. I got a wonderful email this morning from A Fanciful Twist (a really cool blog I discovered recently) which gave me a smile and encouragement. And of course Paul, the ever present love, with his own viewpoint on life. Sometimes we are completely in sync with each other and sometimes it’s immovable force meets unstoppable object! He got ‘the master’ card in this reading last night, but you know, I think I am going to ask him to write something from himself for that!

So, a deep breath, relax, time to put the admin in perspective and stop organising for a while. I am going to get the oil paints out this morning. I ADORE the smell of oil paints, they surround me in a cloud of magic or possibility, don’t know why but they do. Start creating and letting it flow once more. If anyone is feeling too much ‘doing’ and trying to control this morning, sit back, have a cup of tea, get a piece of paper maybe and doodle or write or hum a tune or sit under a tree or ring a friend you haven’t talked to in ages. These are the things which make us happy!

x cliodhna

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