A heart is what happens when a yes fills the space of possibility,
And the universe reaches out to gather it into her vastness.
She gives it shape and form so it can express itself through her;
She gives us bodies so we can learn how to love
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Greenwitch sings alone in the heart of a tree, and yet not alone for in the heart of every tree there is a greenwitch singing. Her eyes are green with gold sparkles and her skin is the mottled green of moss. Her heart is pure gold and shines through her eyes and it is from her heart that her love flows and gives energy and strength to all growing things.
It is for greenwitch that the flowers stretch their heads to the sky and the sun. It is for greenwitch that the spiders spin their webs and do their dance of death. It is greenwitch that inspires the song of the birds and the whirring wings of the hummingbird and it is greenwitch that the donkeys love as they amble their slow way across the mountain.
Rain falls for her and rivers run and she sits at the heart of everything and sings her song of life. She is the weaver and she is the warp and weft and the fabric emerges from the loom in a thousand colours and in threads of silk and gossamer and gold and silver.
She is me and you and everything around us.
i went to see the new jim carrey film ‘Yes man’ and its actually really funny, you have to say yes to everything regardless of what it is. of course he gets it wrong and thinks he literally has to say yes to EVERYTHING but sure that’s comedy.
The lesson learns is he has a choice and he has to decide whether he really wants to do it or not. He has to ask his heart if he really wants to do this. He was living in no and changing to yes changed his life and it is true that what we put out into the world is what we attract back to ourselves.
I was thinking of all the times I said yes to things and no to things. I remember saying yes to joining a country band and then putting the phone down and realising I had a week to learn how to play country music or the time I had an opportunity to go play music in a bar in Thailand or someplace close. I turned it down because I was saving to go to spain and I knew I didn’t really want to sit in an irish bar playing tourist irish music for six months no matter how beautiful the location. That was the time of the tidal wave, I missed it cause I didn’t go. It had been hard to turn down too.
I thought about other opportunities which seemed a sure bet and I turned down and wondered had I done the right thing. I generally find out later that if I followed my inner instinct then everything worked out fine and of course there are times when I realise I was saying no from fear. I am pretty good about saying yes though. If I reckon the only reason I want to say no is fear then I push myself a little about it and say yes.
I remember a job offer which freaked me out because it meant a commitment of a whole year! I said yes to that.
I think though the bigger yes’s actually come in smaller packages. Am I ready to live right now? how do I want to live my life? do I want to be open to the people around me? make friends? right now this person is annoying me do I want to keep judging him/her or do I want to see past my stuff/their stuff and see them as they really are and love them regardless? Do I want to be open to Paul right now and tell him what is in my heart or stay closed. Do I want to stop and just look around and see where I am or stay lost in television and work or whatever my adiction is? Yes to life or no to life? That is the question and it comes every second of the day every day of our life. The choice… follow my heart or follow my head… it is the only thing which is truly ours… our ability to choose.
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I went for a massage recently and got the knot in my shoulder worked out. She is really good and knows what she is doing and sometimes when she has my shoulder blade and is pushing and pulling it out at the same time the pain is incredible but oh the relief when she lets go and the pain that was there beforehand is there no longer.
I think I identify with this knot I have in my shoulder blade. The constant nagging ache makes me frustrated and unhappy and uneasy and then, because I know it is there because of some unease in my emotional body I judge myself for having it and think oh why oh why can’t I get rid of this, I must be stuck with some block in my energy I can’t get rid of.
So, getting rid of it by massage I know is a short term solution but how nice not to have it and I realized yesterday I actually felt a peace with the world and with myself and only later thought that maybe it was because the knot had gone. Me without the knot in my shoulder. I guess I will go more regularly to her for a massage and let her heal my physical body so I can feel happier and more able to look at the emotional parts I can heal in me. A balance, I know sometimes I don’t want to go and get a massage because I am pushing myself.
I had a revelation about what to say to Paul too while I was getting it, it all seemed so simple. I was being frustrated with him too, wanting to push and not knowing where I wanted to go and I suppose by way of an apology and by way of accepting my own stuff I realized I just actually needed to tell him I was a worrier and a bit neurotic and my mind made me wrong all the time and made me feel bad about myself (no matter where I was or what I was doing) that from the heart I really wanted to be with him, that I was working on it, but that’s who I am. What a relief.
Is there a term like clinical depression that applies to worriers? People whose mind makes them wrong and judges them all the time? Because sometimes it’s like there is two of me, one part that goes with the flow and is happy and knows what she wants and is going there one step at a time and lives from the heart and then another side who I feel I have to fight all the time to stay on the first course, who is fearful and frustrated and extremely angry at what? I don’t know, life in general I guess, the two year old anger that she can’t control the people outside of her, the fear that she might get forgotten or ignored. The part that pushes me and says not enough or not fast enough or not good enough.
I feel she has got smaller. Maybe something to do with the dream about the evil head I had a few days ago. Maybe I have got stronger and am not listening to her and lately how I have been feeling is like a last temper tantrum trying to stay I control. Hope so. I don’t want her anger anymore, or her fear, I know it’s not real. I choose to be happy and when all lies and manipulation and control and fear have been left behind there is only truth and nothing can change that. My truth, who I really am.
My new years resolutions/aims/goals are
to be healthier, to eat healthier and do my yoga more often, join a gym and learn how to run. To do the next reiki level and start offering it to people and accept the changes that come into my life from taking this step forward for myself.
to keep creating my art and move forward one little step at a time, I will take the opportunities that are given me but I am going to stop pushing and pushing like I am forcing something into creation. I don’t have to make something happen, all I need to do it ask and I will be given the opportunity. Also I accept the pace I am going at right now.
I welcome abundance on all levels into my life. I live connected to my heart and the knowledge that we are all one and living and constructing this dream together. Be happy in my life with myself and with Paul. Explore life and welcome all its changes and forms.
happy new year everyone! x cliodhna
My dogs make me happy. They are such pure emotional beings unfettered by reason or what ifs or any of the other things that stop us from being truly happy in the moment.
I have a big slobbery Rottweiler called Cubo who just wants the love. He comes over, barges in between my legs and then with a sigh collapses slowly down onto the ground at my feet. If I move away a few feet and stand still he slowly gets up comes over and does exactly the same thing again.
I have a rescue puppy called Pala who is the dancy dog. She wiggles and turns and dances her way over to me her tail going in circles and her happiness overflowing. I am trying to train her a little but to get her to sit is an impossibility. She collapses onto her back legs in the air, smile on her face. She follows Cubo everywhere and sleeps curled as close as she can to him.
They are happy when we are there and they wait patiently for us to come back when we are not and, except when the kitchen is cooking lunch or breakfast (we live in a camp at the moment for miners) they are my two shadows. Of course when there is food available at the camp kitchen they are a permanent fixture at the door and selective hearing comes into play.
I have been given a gift of solitude. Two days alone in a house in Chihuahua city. It wasn´t supposed to be this way, my partner having promised he would be there to collect me. I was pretty annoyed I tell ya when I first read his email but then I realized I wasn’t actually really annoyed, just thinking I should be annoyed and I calmed down and you know it is actually good to have this time to catch up with myself and let myself rest and have silent time for a day or two before properly diving back into the fray of life and all its attendant madness.
We are driving to the border to change our visitor status and then we drive to Guanajuato to collect the rest of our stuff. We are getting a new house here in Chihuahua city and I am organizing my English language lessons for when I return to Palmarejo.
I am still coming together after two weeks of emotional intensity, whether mine or other peoples and when you are in a group like that it doesn’t really matter whose it is. After two weeks I could feel my hold on my inner calm wearing, which of course just means I have more stuff to look at, but it is a longing to be alone again, without the constant friction of being aware and present in every moment. Makes me realize how much time I spend not being present when I go to these journeys. All the stuff comes up. It comes up in me, it comes up in somebody else and triggers something in me, I compare and judge myself for it, I make mistakes and judge myself for it. I come clean and tell all and it feels so much better until the next stuff comes up and I have to do it all over again.
What did I discover… well if it can be put into words. Here is the biggie; I had an epiphany about how I have resisted my parents trying to teach me things all my life. I had always thought it was about music, or school, or the Irish language (when I was six I told my mother this was a stupid language and I am not learning it… I didn´t) but I had a feeling then that it went way back before that. I think, possibly, that I was just resisting… full stop. I was not going to be who they wanted me to be but I didn’t really have anything else to be so I daydreamed glory and being amazing at something, anything, so they would have to think I was great. Combine dreams of glory with passive resistance and an insecurity complex about not being good enough and what do you have? Stuck.
The thing is I realized was that it wasn’t about them trying to make me into what they wanted or whether they were or not. I was in resistance even before they tried to teach me anything. I think I was born resisting being here. I know that sounds stupid but it made sense at the time it occurred to me. I don’t even know if it’s true or not, doesn’t really matter, what was great for me was the fact I saw it as mine, not theirs and so now I can keep it and own it.
So, I am going to stop resisting. It will take practice I am sure, I spent the last three days of the workshop with a tight band around my stomach. Pure resistance, my mind in a last ditch attempt to hang on, and I am sure it will use wily means and old tried and tested patterns to hold me here. But I have seen past it now so in the end it will have to let go and learn how to float.
Sitting in Temoris train station waiting for the train I was thinking about waiting and what it means to me. We rushed to the train station to get there for the half three train only to be told it wasn’t going to arrive till seven. I used to hate waiting, I was the world’s worst waiter. I had to have something to amuse me while I waited; a book generally or my phone games or something to mull over or sketch. Anything to fill the gap so I wouldn’t have to reflect on me or my own life. I was actually the world’s best day dreamer also, when there was something I had to pay attention to off I would go into daydreams.
I had to change my view of life and come to peace with myself and the present moment before I could learn how to wait. How to be present and aware of each moment and use the pause in movement to look and take in where I was and where I was going.
The osho zen tarot have a wonderful card about waiting. She is pregnant and smiling, with a peaceful glow. Expectant possibility and looking forward to the future but also enjoyment and thankfulness for the gift of this growth and peacefulness in the acceptance that she is not going to rush what is coming, that would spoil it, she lets whatever is coming to develop in its own time and she holds it in her heart until it is ready to emerge.
A story about a woman finding her heart
A story about a dog with one eye and a curly tail and one white spot on it’s back
A story about a life
A story about a mayfly that has one day to live, it watches the day getting brighter and brighter then darker and darker and then over
A story about water, deep and clear with frogs in it and dragonflies that are bright and purple and orange and yellow. The water is a cool shaded place in the heat of the sun.
A story about a boy who loses his parents
A story about a child with a rocking horse that comes alive
A story about me
A story about the end of the world
A story about the beginning of the world
A story about the morning after an intensely emotional night. Dawn is relief
A story about a man who can’t see his own life clearly
A story about a woman who can only see her life and nobody else’s
A story about a woman who can’t stop crying
A story about a path that is uphill. The day is hot and the hill is steep. Nobody is coming to help
A story about a dragon in a dream in a book that can’t be opened until the right time is here and the right sound is made
A story about a sound made at the beginning of the universe that will continue till the end of time
A story about a story that never ends
A story about a song that the stars sing, that my heart sings and I cannot hear it until I open my ears
A story about ears, the wind, the sound of crickets, of a cats howl, of a dogs bark, of a city where the streets make music
A story of seeing reflections in water. Calm still water, the reflection is in front of me but I have to see it as reflection and see past it.
A story about how we are all connected in time and space
A story about time and space being an illusion, how we are all light and eternal beings fluidly shifting from one form to another, from one existence to another.
A story about remembering. Seeing time as a deep pool of water rather than a straight line we travel on. Seeing our continuous existence.
A story about learning how to let go.
A story about a black widow spider and a mouse in the kitchen and a dead swallow chick in it’s nest.
A story about death, about diving in, about dreams and a cat called Xoconostle.
A story about my dream with the two cats I had to choose between. One friendly and social and the other smoke grey and hardly visible and spitting fury and in defense. The fact that I knew I should pick the social one but really I admired the energy of the other, its fierceness and unwillingness to obey.
A story about love and the light that comes from the sun that gives us life and energy and is our connection to the unknowable.
A story about the unknowable.
We are made of love.
That’s it, full stop, actually don’t need to add anything else, though I could substitute the word ‘love’ for ‘light’ or ‘energy’ or ‘will’.
I have been in awe for a while at the sheer amazingness, unbelivability, simply incredibleness of this existence I partake in. A bit hippy and a lot happy… 
But it’s true! We are beings of light and love and held together by our own will and image of ourselves. It’s an act of power to be here in the first place and we take it for granted so much. We worry about our jobs, cars, insurance, the news, the enemy at our gates, politics and sports. We spend all our energy avoiding facing the wonderness of where we are because it is just too damn huge to take in. Or we use drugs to face it while still keeping a veil between us and it.
Stand, little humble, tiny me, without armor or protection in the great wind of existence. I exist, so I have the right to see this. I am here to learn how to be all that I am, not to make money or have children or be a famous artist, though they might happen on the learning journey, they are not the reason I am here.
I am here to learn how to see past my own folly and past the folly of others to the heart of it all. To the source, the fountain of knowledge, power, existence, inside my own being.
There is the risk that the wind will dissolve me, make me nothing and my ego goes into battle mode. How dare he say that, or how can she act that way or he is a wimp or she is ugly. Judgments… how my mind keeps control on me. Stop me from stepping into my own birthright.
My mind is small, my spirit is huge, my mind cannot see past it’s own understanding, my soul is beyond understanding. My mind wants facts, reassurances, control, my heart wants to play and dance and sing. My mind would have me die before it lets go of control, spirit is not afraid of death. The mind is frantic to discover a way of holding on, the heart is infinitely patient, it knows mind will run out of energy sooner or later.
Choose knowledge, freedom, happiness and tell the mind to take a holiday. x
