cliodhna’s wave

So, birds are messengers between ourselves and the other world. i am sending my wish to the universe and it flies outward to bring it to the heart of all, the source. The earth supports me in this, she looks on happily sending me inspiration so I can find the exact right words I need in order to frame my wish. She holds the sun within herself and the moon  in her hand through all its phases of waxing and waning.
I have finished these and are already planning the next two. Getting to grips once more with oil paints and I am having ideas I want to try out…. such fun!

I finished the two paintings I was working on. Time to tell the story. Paul kept asking me what they were about and I would just say ‘you know, freedom’ very articulate I know but sometimes I can’t say until they are finished and I am so much better at writing this than saying them. So here it is!

I had a dream about a wee brown bird. I took this brown bird away from where it was living because I wanted to protect it. The bird was angry with me for having done this and was going to fly back to where it came from. I was really worried about it because I figured it was too small to do this safely but then I looked and the brown bird had turned into a young man with a backpack on his back and I realised he could do it if he wanted.

The moral of the story? wee brown birds are perfectly capable of looking after themselves

The meaning of the dream? I am that part of me that I figure can’t look after myself. I mother the bird, trying to protect it and it gets angry with me for not letting it live its own life. The bird/young man is that part of me that is very able to take care for itself but just looks small and fragile right now. I have to stop trying to look after it and trying to keep it by me but let it fly and go where it wants to go. Let myself go where I want to go and do what I want to do and trust myself and my wishes and heart wants in life.

I will have the other finished painting and the story behind it in a day or two..

x

I love oil paints.. have I said that before? probably a few times, I love the smell of them, they make me feel like a real artist, but also the depth of the colours you can achieve with them and the lustre of the paint and the malleability and also the fact that they take a whole heap of time to dry so I can take my time with textures and details.

Watercolours are like a zen meditation.. brush poised.. hold it… take a deep breath.. now go! and don’t stop until you finish!

Oils are more like the progression of a turtle.. ambling happily on the journey, pause, admire the flowers, ponder on significance of this, take the wrong turn, get it right, oh look we have arrived and just in time for tea!

I use washes under colours, deep blue under light blue, light blue under deep, yellow ochre under anything green so I can use a prussian blue wash to get the most incredible green.

I scratch into the paint before it dries, using the colour underneath to be the contrast.

Here is the next stage of the two paintings I am working on at the mo.

I have been asking myself this question recently, why do I do art? why do I paint pictures or make things for people to buy and also the question what do I really want to say?

I think the two are intricately intertwined. I have had a realization recently about my art and my self expression as a whole. I remember about six years ago now (how time goes!) I realised that if I wanted to do what I love as a living it was going to have to pay for itself, so, without compromising my self-expression I was going to have to get out there into the world and do the business angle and sell myself. I have struggled with this, wanting to find someone to do it for me or not being ready or chaffing against the rhythm of having shows or looking for galleries and the slow growth into a recognised artist. What ever that means in my head.

I have realised recently that underlying that intention was a need for approval from the world. A seeking of validation of myself as an artist from others outside of me. Yes, there is a balance of accepting feedback and considering suggestions, but not when that need comes between me and my true self-expression. With this intention of looking for approval this part of me that needs this validation is constantly trying to edit what I say or draw to fit how it thinks it needs to be to get the desired result. This sabotages my conscious decision to make my own path. It sneaks into everything, how I price my pictures, how I plan frames and display, how I approach galleries.

This leads onto what I want to say in my art. I have come to a stop here. I have to silence that unconcious intent or change it to be able to listen to my own voice and let it flow. Not be afraid to be silent until I have something to say. My best art has come from a free flow of ideas from a sure place of calmness. The watercolours I did in madrid and the acrylics I did in mexico were I feel, looking back, the first upsurgings from my own creative well that I saw this flow and allowed it to happen. Some of them work better than others for me or say more but that doesn’t matter, in their simplicity they each say exactly what was in that moment. I learnt from that feeling of flowing and that is where I need to go to find the source.

Why do I paint? because it makes me happy, seeing what emerges, smelling the oil paint or the shine of the wet colour as I apply it, or the excitment of a new idea to start, or the satisfaction of a piece done and finished. Seeing what was once in your head now alive and part of the world, changed but still the same feeling behind it.

I am shifting this intention of needing approval and I am curious as to what is going to happen with my art. I don’t need to make beautiful things for me to feel a sense of worth in the world. I make them because I love making them and it helps me solidify and make sense of what I want to understand about myself and the world around me.

happy new 2008! x cliodhna

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