cliodhna’s wave

I went to Leon yesterday (that is in Mexico not spain by the way) to the ‘Feria’. Sooooo many people. Just follow the crush around the stalls until we got wise, abandoned our friends who were looking for ceramics and got outside and headed straight for the ‘mechanical toys’. They are kind of old here, Paul reckons they are the rides that he used to go on when he was young, there are almost no safety harnesses (although as I pointed out its nice that mexicans assume you are not going to jump out of the ferris wheel car whereas everywhere else I have been they see a possibility and immediately fill it) and I reealllly didn’t trust the look of some of them. We skipped the old rollercoaster and went on the middle-aged one (twice), went on the haunted ride, took a spin on the spinner, ate churros, did the water-ride, ate cotton-candy, felt sick…. usual fun… I am like a child in these places, I never went to them when I was growing up. I make lists of all the rides we HAVE to go on and drag Paul around behind me!

Anyway, I bought these

which are the cutest things..a hobby horse an a hobby tiger.. they are from paper mache and I don’t know how long they would actually last in the hands of a child, I dented a tiny hole in the paint just taking a picture. But they are gorgeous!

and these

they are feng shui frogs and if I put them in the right place they will attract riches into our house. I will have to find a nice place for them to live.

Lastly.. to some art work I am progressing with the two oil paintings. I have got to the stage where I start to have some real fun. The backrounds and major details are done and dry and now I get to do stars and dots and spirals and flowers and suns rays and other wonderful things.. happy monday ya’ll… make a wish for the rest of the week!

Hades was the king of the underworld and he stole Persephone down to his underground kingdom and tricked her into eating six pomegranate seed which meant that she would have to stay for six months underground and could return to the surface for six months. This is where winter and summer comes from. When Persephone goes underground her mother, who is the earth mother, Demeter, mourns for her lost child.

So says the myth

but… greek myths are not just myths but maps of the human pysche. I become fasinated by various ones at different times. This one, I began thinking about Persephone, queen of the underworld for six months. Does she fall in love with Hades who really loves her? does she gain some of his power? In an earlier myth she was actually the queen of death and life but as the world grew more patriarchal the myths changed and the women grew less and became secondary to the men. So she survives as an abductee without power, forced to be with Hades for six months.

I think she learns and accepts her fate, takes half of the power down below and shares the throne with Hades.

Demeter can’t accept this, her beloved daughter has grown up and has taken a position opposite hers, Demeter is life, Persephone is death. She mourns for innocent times past when there was no knowledge of death and decay and change. But there can be no life with change.

Hades, in a secret part of himself worships Persephone and can’t believe he has managed to trap this angel of light to himself. He is lost when she is gone for the six months and waits for her to come home, maybe afraid she will break the agreement and never return.

She is two.. life and death, winter and summer, free and bound, the light and winds and the underground darkness.

The first picture is Persephone looking to the light as she prepares to leave for the six months, not looking back, happy to be going up to the green and the sun. Hades looks at her leaving, he can’t follow, he is bound to the underworld.

The second picture is hades lost without her. The sad king, he has a whole kingdom and it is not enough.

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So… it is time to get the new years resolution into action! I decided this year I would try and clear as much of my past as I could. Release old ways of thinking and behaviours that don’t work any more, finish projects or definitely say good bye to projects that aren’t working. Use up the big pile of fabrics I have on the floor of my work room before I can buy new fabrics. I get more inventive when I have to improvise.

I did this once before, about four years ago when I was coming to mexico for the first time. I reckon, looking back, I was about 95% ruthless. I burnt old diaries and sketches and stories and writings that I had been hanging onto since secondary school. I went through my clothes and books and jewelry and gave away anything that I never wore or rarely wore or just some items I knew a friend would really like. It was really hard to do but I felt so light after it was all gone.

Clearing the past is not forgetting people or places or times but rather clearing any old negativity or limitation round the memory and remembering with love and acceptance. It also clears any energy blocks that are preventing me from going forward or achieving my goals.

I bought paper this morning to get started on the illustrations for the crow story and I have three nearly done embroideries waiting for borders and a skirt hanging waiting for a hem. All the new stuff can wait for a week or so while I get everything sorted.

I have been asking myself this question recently, why do I do art? why do I paint pictures or make things for people to buy and also the question what do I really want to say?

I think the two are intricately intertwined. I have had a realization recently about my art and my self expression as a whole. I remember about six years ago now (how time goes!) I realised that if I wanted to do what I love as a living it was going to have to pay for itself, so, without compromising my self-expression I was going to have to get out there into the world and do the business angle and sell myself. I have struggled with this, wanting to find someone to do it for me or not being ready or chaffing against the rhythm of having shows or looking for galleries and the slow growth into a recognised artist. What ever that means in my head.

I have realised recently that underlying that intention was a need for approval from the world. A seeking of validation of myself as an artist from others outside of me. Yes, there is a balance of accepting feedback and considering suggestions, but not when that need comes between me and my true self-expression. With this intention of looking for approval this part of me that needs this validation is constantly trying to edit what I say or draw to fit how it thinks it needs to be to get the desired result. This sabotages my conscious decision to make my own path. It sneaks into everything, how I price my pictures, how I plan frames and display, how I approach galleries.

This leads onto what I want to say in my art. I have come to a stop here. I have to silence that unconcious intent or change it to be able to listen to my own voice and let it flow. Not be afraid to be silent until I have something to say. My best art has come from a free flow of ideas from a sure place of calmness. The watercolours I did in madrid and the acrylics I did in mexico were I feel, looking back, the first upsurgings from my own creative well that I saw this flow and allowed it to happen. Some of them work better than others for me or say more but that doesn’t matter, in their simplicity they each say exactly what was in that moment. I learnt from that feeling of flowing and that is where I need to go to find the source.

Why do I paint? because it makes me happy, seeing what emerges, smelling the oil paint or the shine of the wet colour as I apply it, or the excitment of a new idea to start, or the satisfaction of a piece done and finished. Seeing what was once in your head now alive and part of the world, changed but still the same feeling behind it.

I am shifting this intention of needing approval and I am curious as to what is going to happen with my art. I don’t need to make beautiful things for me to feel a sense of worth in the world. I make them because I love making them and it helps me solidify and make sense of what I want to understand about myself and the world around me.

happy new 2008! x cliodhna

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