unraveling

I was doing my recap today when I was thinking that doing personal work like the workshops I do in the Toltec is like unraveling a big twisted knot. You have to find an end and start there and work your way into the centre of the knot. Start with the little knots and they will give you energy (inner strength) to face the biggies when they come along. Sometimes a big one just melts away unexpectably and you have a few yards of free wool before you reach the next tangle. Patience and doing things in the proper order is called for, no point tackling a knot if there is one before it that needs to be done first.

As a mirror to this I realised a few days ago that lessons arrive as I need to learn them. It gives me a wonderful sense of freedom when I realise I don’t have to control me or my world, that all flows as it should. I wrote a big hippy post about a while ago to do with snowflakes and water and reiki. Let the energy flow and it will go where it needs to. Hard to let go sometimes though, old habits come up and I catch myself trying to change or ‘fix’ someone or something.
What got me thinking about this was that instead of looking at something big like family issues in my recap today I  decided to look at driving. I am 35 and I am just really starting. Partly of course I had a bike for years and it was all I needed in a city and also Irelands heavy Insurance/car tax but they are just excuses to me not getting my own car and starting to drive. I realised it was down to the same old chestnut of me not feeling up to situations that might arise. Future dread. Possibilities of failure. Of course when I do get behind a wheel and drive I am very calm and sorted and well capable and I feel amazing after having done it. I just need practise. I have to demand and insist I drive to get past the block, instead of what I have done in the past of just letting others drive.

I saw a cool ford escort today. I might look at another tomorrow morning but I reckon its going to be one of those two. !!

exciting!

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tears…

this picture is about the judge that lives in us. I find him very strong sometimes. The guilt that tells us we have done a bad thing, the voice that says we shouldn’t have fun, should be more successful, more happy, more creative, more talented, more whatever. It is also the voice which judges other people too. We judge outside of ourselves so we don’t have to face our own perceived shortcomings. The judge in the picture is not touching the ground because he is not connected with the earth but lives entirely in the mind.
There is healing going on here too though, my higher self sees the judge giving out to the small child and is sending healing energy.
Down with the judge! We are all perfect just the way we are…

The next picture is tears. I find I go straight to tears whenI am doing emotional work. Part of it is buried anxiety or hidden fears or old sadnesses that I haven’t faced and which have built up and part of it is fear of letting go, the mind wants to hang onto to its control as long as it possibly can. I have actually gotten quite accepting of crying in front of people and very accepting of other people crying. I am happy to sit and be a witness, give support and just let them go through their process.

I am sitting in my parents house in Ireland writing this and it is beautiful outside. A perfect irish summer day. Sunny, calm, birds singing. I am going to have breakfast and then go for a walk in the mountains.

x clio

all new and shiny

my nephew, who I haven’t met yet. Very soon. I can’t believe I am an auntie, its great! My parents are finally grandparents. He is going to be the most spoilt grandkid in history, but then thats what grandparents are for isn’t it?

I get asked a lot here in mexico as to why I don’t have kids. They don’t understand the fact that I don’t want them. Women get pitying looks on their face and try to persuade me to give Paul a child. He is amazing with small children, they instantly adore him. But he is happy with what I want and thats what matters. It can annoy me sometimes when women here try to tell me I am missing out by not having children. I think sometimes women have children to fill a hole in their lives, to have someone to love. Not most of the time, but sometimes I wonder where the utter desperate need to have a child comes from in some women I meet or when they meet a woman who is happy without children to try to persuade her she is not a whole person without them. I feel for them, especially if they are trying and not succeeding to get pregnant. That must be hard, to want something that your body refuses to give you when it happens so easily for others.

I think the cultural identity of women is bound up in having children, especially in a society which is still male dominated and full of maschimo. The house is the womans centre of power here and she has to fulfill her role or she isn’t a ‘proper’ woman. In the village I was staying in recently the young women were watched by their brothers and fathers to make sure no improper behaviour took place. Made me appreciate growing up in Ireland.

Of course when they do get to me I realise there is a part of me that wonders what it would be like, “Am I missing out?” and sometimes (round the middle of my monthly cycle when the hormones are raging) I think ‘Lets do it!’ then that passes and I think phew.. Actually Paul was the first guy I was ever with I actually thought that about. It was really strange. I was afraid I was going to get ‘accidently’ pregnant so I went on the pill for a while. I want too many things for myself this life, I look at my life and where I want to be in the future and children just don’t appear in the picture. They are amazing and wonderful and they change your life and they bring a love with them that is so strong it can change the world, I just don’t feel the need to have my own, I am going to have to find that connection to the world myself, that power and love and bring it forth. Because thats what children give us, that connection to pure spiritual unconditional love that has no boundries and no limits. But we feel it for them because it is always present in us and we can feel that for the whole world.

I am just going to have to spoil my nephew and my friends kids and be the mad auntie who lives in strange parts of the world and comes to visit bearing gifts and sweets.

xx to all you childless women out there, whether by choice or not, there is an identity for women past the titles ‘mother’ and ‘grandmother’ and xx to all you women with children, if you ever need a babysitter I shall be glad to hang with the madness for a while. I used to babysit two small boys of a friend of mine a lot and it was organised chaos, amazing and I adored them but I was always happy to see her come home too, they wore me out and their batteries were still up and going. I think kids get duracell and adults have changed into a weaker brand.

a dream

I had a dream years and years ago and I was sitting beside a canyon looking at an old leatherbound book which had the words “Where dragons be and how to find them” written on the front cover. I was looking at the index page because of course I wanted to know how to find them when up the canyon a huge bird came soaring. It dissolved into a thousand pixelly parts and then reformed facing towards me and took off past me with such power. I was left sitting there with my mouth open but no-one else saw it in the dream. I never did find out how to find dragons, guess I wasn’t supposed to know that information at that time.

I have changed a lot since that time. I lived in my dreams back then, It was quite cool for a while, I could dream on order and I had all sorts of mad strange lessons and journeys and I think looking back I was learning a lot on a level I didn’t know about. Time came though when I realized I wasn’t capable of holding down a proper job or manifesting all these dreams I had into reality. I was so afraid of failing (or succeeding) or making mistakes or not being able to live up to my own dreams and my knowledge about myself that I was stuck in this world and so I made the decision to come out, to quit obsessing about my inner world and start manifesting in my outer one.

The thing I know about myself is that I always get what I ask for.. always.. and this is not from an ego point of view, it amazes me sometimes when I look back and remember ‘Oh yeah, I asked for this, cool, thanks universe’. Of course this cuts both ways, I remember being frustrated with myself that I wasn’t in touch with my negative emotions, I was living on the surface all the time. Boy oh boy did I have a doozer of a year and a half after that wish but I came out the other side wiser and more in touch with myself and more accepting of my negativity and smarting from a few painful lessons.

So to come to place I think of as the Jonathon Livingston Seagull place. To learn how to ‘not ask’ but to stand so still you can traverse time and space. To learn how to be in that precious space of peace where creativity flows without hindrance, without judgement or comparison or fear or dissaproval. To leave ‘trying’ behind and just be. To let myself do that with my art and my pictures but also my life. Let it flow to where it needs to go so always I am in the right place , and the right place is always here.

I feel right now I am on the beginning of a cycle, cool feeling, I am planning work, wanting to get down to it. more oil pictures, these pictures I’m doing for threadless will get turned into embroideries. Patience, plant some seeds and see what sprouts. I said to someone recently my lesson is slow development and patience with myself is something I have had to learn. Let things develop slowly, don’t rush, don’t push, I will get to where I want to go to eventually with my stuff well learnt and well prepared, with calmness and in heart.

I am settling with Paul also, wonderful feeling of deepness that I always just accepted I would probably never find and of course scared the shit out of me when it arrived . Just to make ya’ll jealous here is a picture of the swimming hole we were in recently and I was swimming in a looking around at where I had found myself in my life saying “Cool! thanks universe”

my new obsession

I have a new obsession.. it makes me go rummaging through my piles of fabric and hold two of them together and think, and then two more, and ponder, and then oooooooo this looks really cute and if I put this on it too! wow.. super cool

The object of my new craze? the wee tiny change purse. I posted a picture in the previous post of one I did and I have been making two a day since for my etsy shop.  Its since I discovered the utter simplicity of zip insertion.. its like discovering the wheel (or sliced bread) all over again. I love when I open them and there is a differant colour inside. Its like chocolate sweets with raspberry filling.. now there is a concept to apply to a purse

I bought linen with sparkly bits in it yesterday (fabric stores are the new second-hand clothes shops…. don’t get sucked in cliodhna! do you really need this fabric?.. answer? yes, yes, whatever, just buy it and worry about it later) and also some shiny blue satin and some red zips and some dark purple zip. There is a place in India I want to go to where they sell silk. A whole gigantic market full of silks and saris.. drool……

My problem is there are too many things I want to do and not enough time in which to do them and being a very typical gemini I get distracted by the latest pretty shiny thing and flit from idea to idea until my head feels like its going to burst and I get a panicky feeling that I will not get any of them done. Deep breath and one thing at a time.. I have to balance fun things like bags and purses and cute illustrations with exploring what I want to paint or pictures I have that I want to do. I had a realisation last night that I actually wasn’t 100% sure who I am exactly.. I am all these things and sometimes I try to be other than who I am  which confuses the matter again.

Its ok to be confused, worried, intense, self absorbed, shy, retiring, reclusive, and also at the same time be outgoing cheerful, happy, flighty, slightly batty. Maybe thats where the conflict comes in, my art has two sides, one more serious when I paint and try to reveal truths and explore meaning and then the other side where its just fun and hey little silver fishes and embroidered hearts look great on red felt..

Silence

so I have been thinking. I think we women need to reclaim our space. The feminists were right! I have been thinking about art and galleries and history and what is accepted by the establishment.

I am talking about our silence, our willingness to accept outer conditions of beauty and artfullness that come from an intellectual level. The mind (our own mind). The mind puts conditions and wants meaning and thought and wants to control.  I remember being in art collage looking through the history books and the vast majority were men. Now I know this is old news and I was angry then but I recently had a realisation that women let them do this. The men set up establishments that they considered very important and set up rules of painting and how to’s and what not to’s and said that anything that wasn’t accepted by them was not good art. (i know I am sweeping the whole of history with a very big brush here) and the thing is we believed them! we women started to try to be like them to get into the establishments they set up. Think about an alternative history where women respected their own womenhood and supported each other. Look at native american tribes or aboriginal tribes where the men and the women each have rich separate connections and rituals that honour and value the validity of being male and being female as well as connecting as a whole tribe.

If european history had had that how different would it be now?  It also took men to break  out of the rules at the end of the 19th century with Van Gogh and Gaughain and Monet and Picasso and all the groundbreakers from that time and yes there were women then too but where are they now? why are they not household names known by everyone?

I know whoever is reading this might be thinking this is a bit of a rant but this was a big revelation to me. As Paul asked me last night, (after he was contemplating ants and they didn’t even know he was there) what is so big I can’t even see it. So on a personal level  how have I been trying to fit with a male view of art and self expression, without even realising it.

There are women out there following their own path and I wish them all the good luck and energy in the world because it is hard. Looking at Ireland right now and there seems to be a fashion for intellectual art that ‘means’ something. When it is good they are meaningful and insightful and I love seeing them and pondering them but there is the other side too that we must honour and maybe it is time to create it ourselves. People have the buying power, women have the buying power!

I love the women artists I am finding on the web, and all the quilting and stitching shows, especially in the states are totally inspiring. They have gone past the functionality of the humble quilt to a piece of art work that shines with power. I love when I find beauty and true self expression whether it be male or female. because that what it comes down to, if we deny the female it doesn’t matter what sex we are, we are only living half a life.  Its so important for us women to speak out and be vocal and make our lives how we want it, for ourselves first but also if the women are silent then the whole community is only living half a life.

The female is fluid and limitless, creating new life, bringing forth, breaking boundries and overflowing the old. She is death because to create something new you have to say goodbye to the old. She is darkness because the seed needs darkness to germanate before bursting forth in new life. She is light because light flows everywhere. She nutures and guides and holds and encourages with no reservations, no rules apply, nothing is to little to be passed over.

The male is structure and buildings and solidity, the male brings forth the dreams and the creativity of the female and gives it form. Shapes it with tools and thinks up new ways of forming and controlling substances to hold the creation of the female. Builds buildings, creates laws,  sees limits, names things, puts order on chaos,

The male is lost in the pure fluidity and surging of life of the female and the female cannot function in the pure laws and structure of the male. We are all male and female, it is our job to balance the two.

ok, hope any of this makes sense. I know its a bit of a ramble. It makes sense in me but sort of in a round soft shape that is hard to put words on. It is a feeling of freedom for me, a sense of a whole other place that is there to be explored that I really didn’t value before. A place that is very open and welcoming and warm. Women have to find this place first because we are closer to it and then when we honour it and honour ourselves and each other then it doesn’t matter what the ‘establishment’ wants, we have our own place of power.

x clio

snowflakes and happy thoughts

I received a great link from Pherenike about photographing snowflakes. Here is the link to have a look, http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm.

I read it and was so happy. Its an old message from the world that we are all connected, that we affect our lives from our thoughts and our actions, that positive thinking does work and a smile goes a lot further than a frown. But I think as a human race we hear this but it doesn’t really register. It does with some and more and more I know which gives me heart for us as a whole.

I have done two levels of reiki training, which, for those of you who don’t know, is energy healing and is just wonderful. The thing I love about reiki is the fact that is goes where needed and how much is needed and you as the channeler of the energy just have to stay out of the way and let it do it’s thing. You can’t harm someone giving reiki and if the person is not open to reiceving it just doesn’t go anywhere. This got me thinking, if reiki goes where needed then I don’t have to do anything, I just have to be open to letting it happen and keep my thoughts and judgements out of the way. This works for distant healing also. So then the next step is to accept that we are all in the perfect place for us right now and I can’t judge or try to ‘fix’ someones lesson they are learning, aside from being there if they ask me for help. This was a real freedom for me to realise, I don’t have to worry about anyone else, I don’t have to rescue or change anyone else. All I need to do is be open to letting love/reiki flow through me to where it needs to go and be happy myself and heal my own issues and fears.

Now, back to the snowflakes. Masaru took photos of water in crystaline form. He took photos of clean spring water and polluted water and also pasted words like love and thank-you onto the bottles and peoples names and then took more photos and the difference are incredible. Water has memory (this is how homeopathy works also) and passes that memory onto any water it comes in contact with so if you drink or swim in pure clean water then it will pass into the water in your body. He demonstrated also that distance doesn’t matter. If good energy was sent to water far away it changed its form also.

This is why reading it made me happy, it reminded me that all we really have to do is project love and light into the world and it will come back to us. Think, water is the major component of the world. Its what gives us life. Without water we would be completely different.

There is so much fear in the world. I read once that there are only two basic emotions, love and fear. Fear is anger, frustration, control, arrogance, despair, anything that is not unconditional love. The internet is changing the world and connecting those who want to live in love and also connecting those who live in fear. Bit like star wars really. I reckon that as those who live in love become freer, those who live in fear will either see this and grow or will become more fearful and try to control. There are two levels to this also, a personal level in which we face the fear within ourselves and heal it and a global level where we heal the fear we have as a human race. The personal level comes first, has to come first. I cannot change anyone else, I can only change myself. But the lesson of the snowflakes is that all we need to do is send out the lovin’ vibes and we can change the world. Hippy yes, but hey, it works!

So, project happy thoughts and think of the snowflakes. It is all perfectly aligned and connected and full of life and light and in a nutshell I suppose what I am saying is…

be happy! x

Oil painting #2

So, birds are messengers between ourselves and the other world. i am sending my wish to the universe and it flies outward to bring it to the heart of all, the source. The earth supports me in this, she looks on happily sending me inspiration so I can find the exact right words I need in order to frame my wish. She holds the sun within herself and the moon  in her hand through all its phases of waxing and waning.
I have finished these and are already planning the next two. Getting to grips once more with oil paints and I am having ideas I want to try out…. such fun!

Oil painting

I finished the two paintings I was working on. Time to tell the story. Paul kept asking me what they were about and I would just say ‘you know, freedom’ very articulate I know but sometimes I can’t say until they are finished and I am so much better at writing this than saying them. So here it is!

I had a dream about a wee brown bird. I took this brown bird away from where it was living because I wanted to protect it. The bird was angry with me for having done this and was going to fly back to where it came from. I was really worried about it because I figured it was too small to do this safely but then I looked and the brown bird had turned into a young man with a backpack on his back and I realised he could do it if he wanted.

The moral of the story? wee brown birds are perfectly capable of looking after themselves

The meaning of the dream? I am that part of me that I figure can’t look after myself. I mother the bird, trying to protect it and it gets angry with me for not letting it live its own life. The bird/young man is that part of me that is very able to take care for itself but just looks small and fragile right now. I have to stop trying to look after it and trying to keep it by me but let it fly and go where it wants to go. Let myself go where I want to go and do what I want to do and trust myself and my wishes and heart wants in life.

I will have the other finished painting and the story behind it in a day or two..

x

Sorrow/Happiness

I was doing a tarot reading with Paul last night, the osho zen tarot, I love them. They have a directness and a simplicity and a connection with here and now that I like. Anyway, I asked for me and ’sorrow’ came up and I was explaining to Paul that, for me, to really release sorrow you have to go into it and experience it and not try to run from it into control (whatever form that takes.. television, books, cigarettes, food, anger, however) and also what was I hanging onto in my life that I didn’t want to let go of, didn’t want to fully mourn and accept that it was gone. For me also tears are about the fear of letting go, the mind goes to fear and out come the tears.

I started a path about three years ago working with the toltec teachings and I don’t think I have ever cried so much and in front of people too! Its my first port of call and sometimes I hate it and try not to and other times I accept it and accept the fact that it will pass in time.

I know when I am in control because I feel a pushing in my solar plexus, a frustration, a want that cannot be satisfied, anger, a feeling of wanting to pick a fight, a need to make someone else wrong or make them little. It is my flag, this feeling, that it is time to relax, let myself fall into truth of here and now, stop trying to twist the world into my idea of how it should be and let it flower in its own time. I think I have been feeling this way recently, I have been doing so much administration, getting the past in order, setting up structures (like this blog and my shop) looking at other amazing blogs, making a web of myself on the ephemeral world that is cyberspace, that I fell into the illusion of control, I could, by much action, shape my world into happy and successful.

This is my fear, an old one, to control how others see me, to make them like me, to manipulate the world so I get what (i think) I need. The fear of really truly being exactly who I am right now because it might not be enough and the sorrow is to let go of the facade and let truth shine through. There is only truth.

The second card I got was ’sharing’, the image of a woman offering a bowl of fruits. She has so much she can give and she gives from endless abundance. This is the way past my fear, to share with the world what I have because each of us has a unique path and wisdom to give to the world and there is always enough for everyone. My mum used to say that we each born with our own packet of love and each child had his/her own.

I have been connecting with others who are on the same path as I. I got a wonderful email this morning from A Fanciful Twist (a really cool blog I discovered recently) which gave me a smile and encouragement. And of course Paul, the ever present love, with his own viewpoint on life. Sometimes we are completely in sync with each other and sometimes it’s immovable force meets unstoppable object! He got ‘the master’ card in this reading last night, but you know, I think I am going to ask him to write something from himself for that!

So, a deep breath, relax, time to put the admin in perspective and stop organising for a while. I am going to get the oil paints out this morning. I ADORE the smell of oil paints, they surround me in a cloud of magic or possibility, don’t know why but they do. Start creating and letting it flow once more. If anyone is feeling too much ‘doing’ and trying to control this morning, sit back, have a cup of tea, get a piece of paper maybe and doodle or write or hum a tune or sit under a tree or ring a friend you haven’t talked to in ages. These are the things which make us happy!

x cliodhna

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