What is it about a white sheet of paper? or rather maybe a sheet of beautiful watercolour paper with the ragged edges and the rough texture or a sheet of handmade paper with the leaves caught in it and the unevenness of the crafting of it. They are a symbol of endless possibility and reflect nothing except what is inside us waiting to come out. Maybe that’s why it scares me slightly, I want to practice on cheaper paper, but then cheaper paper doesn’t inspire me the way a good sheet of paper does and so anything I do on a cheap sheet of paper (like a photocopy paper or a sheet from a sketching pad) is so-so, it might be a good drawing but if it were on the best sheet I would be inspired to continue, put my energy into it to see where it goes.
It is the same with paint. Cheap paint just isn’t worth the effort, a brush stroke with cheap paint is just a smear of colour, colour that sits dead on the page and can be called colour only from the scientific understanding of the word ‘colour’, but good paint, like a good watercolour or oil paint or an expensive oil pastel goes onto the page like a song and shines and glows and entrances me into its depths. I could stare at it all day, and have done sometimes, I remember painting a canvas Prussian blue once and just sat and looked at it. It didn’t need anything else.
And my embroidery, I use silks and felts and wonderful satins because they inspire me and when I wander into a fabric store my fingers itch to hold and stroke and grasp cool blues and pale greens and watery smooth chiffons. I always end up spending more money than I thought I was going to.
And so to life, why use cheap things when good well made objects that were made with love are so much more satisfying and continue to be loved for years. Why eat crap food when good food makes me feel good and whole and healthy. When I want to do something I have to do my best and do it on the best materials available to me even if it takes a little longer. The end result speaks for itself.
That’s the other side of the good sheet of paper; it reflects my fears about myself. Am I good enough to give myself the really good sheet of paper? Or should I wait and practice on the cheap sheet and save the good one until I am better? If I use the good sheet that is saying to the world I am worth something, I value myself and give myself the best.
Forget the cheap sheet, it is a trick and a trap, nothing that is done on the cheap sheet will shine or inspire me and so I will always think I am not good enough for the good sheet or the good paint. I have found that I have to use the good sheet of paper and use good paint and with that leap of faith the rest flows from a place of trusting myself. So what if I mess up? Its only paper…. There’s lots more in the store… and in life there is always opportunities to fix mistakes.
