cliodhna’s wave

Back in the mine again. Back with my dogs, the big lump and dancy dog, back with the food from the cantina and some amaranth bars I brought with me which I am just now tasting and are a bit yucky, though that might just be the taste after vanilla sweetened coffee.

I had a dream this morning about a shriveled head which had been torturing women chainsaw massacre type or the saw or like those horrible ‘chase ‘em down and cut ‘em up’ films I don’t watch. Anyway I had him in control and was trying to drown him in water but he wouldn’t die. I was trying to suffocate him but the water was just a puddle. In my other hand I had control of the whip/chain he used. I decided to put him in a jar and fill it with water and close the top and drown him that way. I put small hot chilies in on top and a snake I had caught, though the snake escaped and got cut in half before I could close the top. He was potent, this head that has been torturing me and making my life a misery, small and mean and concentrated and I realized at one point during the dream that he couldn’t torture me, I was powerful, I had power, not like the other women he had tortured, I was a witch and I knew what I was doing.

That was the point of the dream, to realize he didn’t have any power over me. I was a lot bigger than he was and I was powerful and I knew it. The head of course is my mind which has been judging and beating me up since forever and the mind has invested a lot of control in maintaining the belief in us that we are our minds, we must believe what it tells us or we will die. The mind is the only thing that might die and it is terrified of this. It’s a very nice realization, to be able to separate from those thoughts that sneak in the back door and start chopping at me with a knife. I was feeling crap a few days ago and I could hear in my head a voice telling me ‘you are a failure’, ‘you have failed at everything you do’ ‘you are crap, you will never succeed’; usual stuff, heard it a thousand times before, the difference being though that before in the past I would try not to listen but a tiny part of me was wondering if just maybe it was true, after all who knew better than I what I could do or not do.

This time I suddenly realized that if this were someone outside of me were telling me this with the same intention of hurting me and keeping me down I would never speak to them again and I wouldn’t listen to them and probably, after I got over being angry at them, feel sorry for them that they had so much judgment in them. I guess I have been in a abusive relationship for years but it all went on inside me.