cliodhna’s wave

I have a picture in my head waiting to be painted.

A woman standing with her feet on the earth and her head in the sky. She holds her heart in one hand and the other points to the stars. The land is flat and ochre and there are mountains in the distance. The land only comes up about a fifth of the picture and then the sky starts so my woman is standing in the sky it looks like. Her head goes all the way up the top of the paper. Her hair flows into the sky and becomes part of it. She looks out of this image with a proud expression, not an ego ‘proud’ but a sure ‘proud’ a sense of herself and her place in this world and her connection to earth and the stars. She is rooted in her own self and nothing can shake that.

Her dress is light blue with butterflies of white and yellow. Her feet are bare and around her neck is a necklace of green jade stones with a carving of the head of a jaguar carved from leopardskin jasper. The night sky swirls and moves and the stars twinkle and shine and the earth has faces that emerge from the dirt and the rocks, some eyes open some still shut but all looking upwards to the sky.

I have taken a break from constantly sketching ideas and drawing pictures to wait to see what comes in its own time. When I have an idea it comes fully formed into my head with only the details left to work out and how best to get across the original idea. It’s a new one for me; normally I am trying to have lots of ideas just in case I need them and I don´t feel good unless I have one in the process of being painted. This way is slower but I will see how it goes and what happens.

One resolution I made on my recent trip was to stop ‘doing’, to stop constantly trying and instead see what happens. Make room for opportunities to come into my life, stand still so they would know where to find me instead of constantly spinning like a top trying to get somewhere not really knowing what I was doing or where I wanted to go but doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

Anyone else care to comment on a picture they have in their heads?

I remember when I first started doing the Toltec work my first big realization was that there was not going to be a Knight in shining armour who would ride in on his white horse and sweep me up to look after me forever more and love me and I would be happy… hey presto!

Man, I cried for about half a year over that one. The other side of that realization of course was the second one that came hot on the heels of the first. The fact that I was terrified of actually meeting said Knight in shining armour. In life, I had always run away from the guys I really liked. I am sure at least one or two of them thought I didn’t like them at all. Pride, ego, expectations, most of all fear that they would find out that I was not the cool, ultra-hip, rock and roll chick I portrayed on the surface. I was in hiding and had locked the door and hidden the key.

Those fairy stories, I understand them now, about the woman hiding her heart somewhere and then forgetting where she had put it. In the fairy stories there is generally a knight in shining armour wandering around with the key but in life I lost my heart and it was only I had the key. Actually now that I think about it, most of these women are old wise crones so maybe what I really lost was the connection to my own wisdom and power.

I think we women do that a lot. We give away our power to be looked after. We exchange wisdom for security and we believe the mind (man) when it (he) says we need it to look after ourselves. Of course I am not blaming men here, they will not learn to face their fears as long as we are behind them being small and keeping them happy by making ourselves powerless. We both need to change and grow and it needs to come from men and women but imagine the world if all the women suddenly stood up at the same time and stopped living in fear? We are the shapers and holders of society, we are the ones who hold the traditions and make sure they are passed on. I know men do too but really the way I see it we women hold the true power in this matter.

So, I accepted, slowly, that I can look after myself and still find myself sometimes getting annoyed with Paul that he wasn’t taking care of me how I thought he should. It is a struggle. I remember that summer of love (hard unconditional love), when I was going through that sense of loss and anger that I was not going to be rescued, looking around and seeing just how society is absolutely saturated with that idea of love, the old dream, you love me and I love you and we will look after each other because we are terrified of being alone. I will be who you want and you be who I want and we will be happy. Television, advertisements, magazines, books, songs, chat shows, news, celebrity gossip and of course looking at everyone around me searching, searching, searching, for that one person to make them happy.

I was angry because I felt that I had been abandoned. By letting go this illusion I really wasn’t going to find anyone. I felt angry because of all those years and energy invested into this dream, being the good girl, following the rules, doing what I was supposed to do and now it was a big lie. I felt loss because I was saying goodbye to an illusion that was comfortable like a pair of old shoes and now I was barefoot and facing who knows what.

But, it was only by saying goodbye to this old dream that I could move on and meet someone I could have a real relationship with. Someone I loved and who loved me and with whom I could face myself and learn about myself through being in a relationship.

Love is such a misunderstood word I reckon.

Old Dream

I love you so because you make me feel happy and now if I lose you I will feel pain so I am never going to let you go and watch every move you make to keep you with me.

I love ice cream because it makes me feel ok about myself and lets me hide in my addictions instead of facing myself.

I love you because you give me the attention I need and look after me.

I love you so much if you leave me I will die.

I need you because I love you.

I love you and you love me so I am going to become who you want me to be so you will continue loving me.

If you really loved me you wouldn’t do that. If you really loved me you would change.

I love my country so I am going to hate everyone else who is different.

I love god so I am going to fear everyone who doesn’t.

I love coffee so I am going to continue drinking it even though it’s not good for me and I can’t sleep when I drink it. I need it to feel good.

I will love you if you agree with me.

I love my children and because I love them I want them to be how I tell them to be.

New Dream

I love myself so much I am not afraid to be who I really am and create my life from happiness and love.

I love you but I love myself and so I will not live in your fears. They are your fears to face and I will support you facing them but I will not change myself to make your fears happy.

I am in a relationship because it makes me happy, not because I need a man in my life to look after me.

I love you just the way you are and I let go of trying to control and change you to my ideas of how you should be.

I love my children and I trust that they are growing and learning exactly as they should be from their own path and lessons. I am here to hold and nurture them until they are ready to do that for themselves.

I love my family but I give myself the space I need for myself to be happy and fulfilled.

I love my country but we are all together on this earth creating this dream of life and I accept all life as sacred.

I love myself so I give myself food that nurtures and is good for my body. I face my inner insecurities and I don´t bury them under addictions.