sea blue and falling into water. Fishes sparkle around me and dart from side to side. I fall into deep water.
the sea holds all our unfulfilled dreams and wishes until we are ready to receive them
she remembers promises we made to ourselves in previous lives
when the mermaids sing then the waves dance and the sea spray casts rainbows high into the air
x clio
It’s that time again… buried emotions start surging to the surface, there is an inexplicable need to cry and be vague and irrational and then get annoyed when Paul doesn’t get what I am talking about or doesn’t want to talk about it. Or I say to myself he is only humoring me, he doesn’t really mean anything he says.
Yup, that time. The time when I walk around really wishing someone would piss me off so I could bash them over the head with a frying pan or disembowel them and tie them to a tree, the time when I go to bed and bury my head under the pillow to get away from these thoughts.
I realized that all the emotions that come up with PMT for me are all the emotions I can generally deal with the rest of the month. They annoy me but I have a sense of perspective about them or maybe even, I am not dealing with them properly, that they sit there and wait until they get big enough so I have to do something about them. So once a month is a release valve. The stuff that I am not looking at grows horns and a tail and gets as ornery as a scorpion in a glass jar. Reason goes out the window and everyone else gets the blame.
What was pissing me off this time was the fact that I was waiting for Paul to take care of me, to sort out things in my life and I was feeling trapped. Honestly, when I look at my life and the choices I have made in the past few months I have put myself here in this position. Things I want that I have to be patient until they arrive. I have to get proactive and take care of myself, then I don’t have to be pissed off at him or annoyed at him and we can all be happy!
Interesting thing about PMT is that I am starting to learn to use it as an early warning system. What is annoying me that I am ignoring when I have the energy to keep it buried? That at this time of the month when my defenses are down it all comes out in a rage. It is a time also though that I don’t want to confront these things, I don’t have the perspective about it, I just want to get annoyed about them and bite someone’s head off, I go to bed sometimes and cry. I feel weepy and vague and unfocused and unable to really voice what I am feeling in any way that might make sense to me, let alone to anyone else.
What I do is note what’s going on, make little mental flags and stick them up and try to live with the red ball sitting in my stomach. Curl up or go for a walk. Sometimes I can’t even work because the frustration wants me to do something, anything, to fix what I am feeling, fall into control, control anything, just to make me feel better.
I still get caught by it. I still get depressed and think I am no good and my art sucks and my writing is no good and who am I to share how I see the world with anyone. It takes me anything from a few hours to a whole day before the light dawns and I think ‘oh, yeah, it’s that time again, this will pass’ and I feel a little better.
So run away! Warning flag is up and waving and I am going to hide until I have access to my rational faculties again and can look at my life with a clear view and decide how I want to sort out what came up this time…
A story about a woman finding her heart
A story about a dog with one eye and a curly tail and one white spot on it’s back
A story about a life
A story about a mayfly that has one day to live, it watches the day getting brighter and brighter then darker and darker and then over
A story about water, deep and clear with frogs in it and dragonflies that are bright and purple and orange and yellow. The water is a cool shaded place in the heat of the sun.
A story about a boy who loses his parents
A story about a child with a rocking horse that comes alive
A story about me
A story about the end of the world
A story about the beginning of the world
A story about the morning after an intensely emotional night. Dawn is relief
A story about a man who can’t see his own life clearly
A story about a woman who can only see her life and nobody else’s
A story about a woman who can’t stop crying
A story about a path that is uphill. The day is hot and the hill is steep. Nobody is coming to help
A story about a dragon in a dream in a book that can’t be opened until the right time is here and the right sound is made
A story about a sound made at the beginning of the universe that will continue till the end of time
A story about a story that never ends
A story about a song that the stars sing, that my heart sings and I cannot hear it until I open my ears
A story about ears, the wind, the sound of crickets, of a cats howl, of a dogs bark, of a city where the streets make music
A story of seeing reflections in water. Calm still water, the reflection is in front of me but I have to see it as reflection and see past it.
A story about how we are all connected in time and space
A story about time and space being an illusion, how we are all light and eternal beings fluidly shifting from one form to another, from one existence to another.
A story about remembering. Seeing time as a deep pool of water rather than a straight line we travel on. Seeing our continuous existence.
A story about learning how to let go.
A story about a black widow spider and a mouse in the kitchen and a dead swallow chick in it’s nest.
A story about death, about diving in, about dreams and a cat called Xoconostle.
A story about my dream with the two cats I had to choose between. One friendly and social and the other smoke grey and hardly visible and spitting fury and in defense. The fact that I knew I should pick the social one but really I admired the energy of the other, its fierceness and unwillingness to obey.
A story about love and the light that comes from the sun that gives us life and energy and is our connection to the unknowable.
A story about the unknowable.
so I wrote all the numbers down on a piece of paper and then with my eyes clothes after turning round a few times I stabbed blindly with a pen, First I landed on 30 which when I looked was a comment by me! the winner is me!!! haha just joking.. then I did it a second time and the I landed on number 23. Scrolled down and found a name… Nici! congratulations… I will need an address and a choice of colour.
It has been really good to do this, fun, informative, inspiring and I have made some new friends and contacts I wouldn`t have usually. Thanks to all of ye who took part and to all the wonderful advice and encouragement that came with it. Now I have to really read and ponder and think about it all and make some changes here and there.
Actually Nici herself had a cool offer of posting out some of my promotion cards in her home town. I was thinking, not now maybe because i have to actually print some and also I am living in the back end of nowhere but in the future I might see if anyone wants to join in reciprocating the offer. I pass out some where I am and I send some to someone else for them to pass out in their town. I travel to dublin a fair bit and also missoulla montana and my sister will be living in vancouver soon.
Thanks to all and I hope everyone got something useful from it. An incentive to go look at your business side and give it a little push.
x clio
We are made of love.
That’s it, full stop, actually don’t need to add anything else, though I could substitute the word ‘love’ for ‘light’ or ‘energy’ or ‘will’.
I have been in awe for a while at the sheer amazingness, unbelivability, simply incredibleness of this existence I partake in. A bit hippy and a lot happy… 
But it’s true! We are beings of light and love and held together by our own will and image of ourselves. It’s an act of power to be here in the first place and we take it for granted so much. We worry about our jobs, cars, insurance, the news, the enemy at our gates, politics and sports. We spend all our energy avoiding facing the wonderness of where we are because it is just too damn huge to take in. Or we use drugs to face it while still keeping a veil between us and it.
Stand, little humble, tiny me, without armor or protection in the great wind of existence. I exist, so I have the right to see this. I am here to learn how to be all that I am, not to make money or have children or be a famous artist, though they might happen on the learning journey, they are not the reason I am here.
I am here to learn how to see past my own folly and past the folly of others to the heart of it all. To the source, the fountain of knowledge, power, existence, inside my own being.
There is the risk that the wind will dissolve me, make me nothing and my ego goes into battle mode. How dare he say that, or how can she act that way or he is a wimp or she is ugly. Judgments… how my mind keeps control on me. Stop me from stepping into my own birthright.
My mind is small, my spirit is huge, my mind cannot see past it’s own understanding, my soul is beyond understanding. My mind wants facts, reassurances, control, my heart wants to play and dance and sing. My mind would have me die before it lets go of control, spirit is not afraid of death. The mind is frantic to discover a way of holding on, the heart is infinitely patient, it knows mind will run out of energy sooner or later.
Choose knowledge, freedom, happiness and tell the mind to take a holiday. x
I have agreed to write a novel in November. Eeek… one of the advices was to tell everyone so you will feel ashamed to back out when you get tired of writing it. I have nooooooo clue what I am going to write about, not a single iota of an idea. It’s from this place National Novel Writing Month and I thought I had heard about it from a new blog I found that I really like. She left a message on my giveaway and I love her writings and her paintings. Check her out Warrior Women
( I thought I had got the link from her blog and now I can’t see it there so now I am not sure where I was when I found the writing link. I just saved this draft and went to look for it but can’t find out where. Puzzled now. Oh well. )
So I am telling everyone who reads this but maybe I should tell all the people I know here too cause if I did really want to back out I could write a post about it explaining the need sometimes to not be able to finish things and post it on the sometimes vague out there-ness of bloglandia. Bloggers do you find that sometimes? You put a post up, and you know people are reading them, and when people comment its wonderful and gratifying but I remember once seeing Paul reading one of my posts on his computer and got a bit of a shock that it was real; real people were reading my posts on real computers. Anyone else ever feel that?
Actually the whole novel thing is starting to daunt me even now. I have to do 50′000 words. Good, if I start with my eyes open then I have a chance of grinding through the days when it seems useless, futile, incredibly senseless, oh #$$@ this plot is going nowhere sort of days.
There is a mouse in my kitchen, a tiny grey ever so soft beautiful wee mouse in my kitchen. I have seen him twice. I can hear him now chewing on something. I hope I can find a live trap here in Temoris and put him outside somewhere. My cutlery drawer and dish drainer are full of mouse droppings.
x
What do you want for yourself in your life? Now what are you intending for yourself in your life? Because unless the two of these match then what you want will always be waylaid by what you intend.
Intention is the big brother of ‘I want’. ‘I want’ comes first, in the shape of a wish, a desire, a thought about the future or a question asked to the universe. Then comes the intention.
Intention is in the choices we make for ourselves in every moment, which is why intention always trumps Want. If we want to be rich and have a successful career but have fears about revealing our art work/ selves/ abilities to the outside world then however much the desire is there we will choose hiding and not taking the risk. That is called intending failure. I know, I did it for many years… I was an expert in intending failure.
Came a day though when I shifted the intention to success, then and only then could I start to build my life around success. I remember I decided that if I wanted to be an artist then I wanted to make money being an artist so I could make more art and spend my days doing what I loved doing most.
This shift doesn’t happen over night though, patience is required and a good hard examination of my intention every now and then helps also.
Here’s the trick, you see the thing is that life has many surprises in store for us on this journey we are on and the only thing for certain is that ‘success’ is not going to be what your mind thought it was. The wish has to come from your heart, what your heart really wants.
So it is a five step process
#1 Make the wish from your heart
#2 Intend success
#3 Let go of any expectations and attachment to outcome
#4 When the choice comes up in every moment ask yourself, before blindly making it, which one coincides with my intention at this moment
#5 Trust that is all going according to plan and enjoy the journey
It is hard… my mind jumps in and judges me and tells me I am on the wrong road and I should be somewhere else or doing something else or just plain a different person. My idea of success was selling lots of bags and artwork and making lots of money but that is not happening as quickly as I thought. Then I realize, my artwork is maturing and becoming freer and closer to my wishes for it and my business brain is slowly coming together and I know if a big opportunity had come my way in the past I think I would have failed at it due to lack of preparation. That opportunities come when I am ready to receive them.
My ‘I am not good enough’ thoughts have sabotaged me for long enough though. I am not going to listen to them any more. I am happy and blessed and I am following my heart and that in the end is really all you have to do… x
