It’s that time again… buried emotions start surging to the surface, there is an inexplicable need to cry and be vague and irrational and then get annoyed when Paul doesn’t get what I am talking about or doesn’t want to talk about it. Or I say to myself he is only humoring me, he doesn’t really mean anything he says.
Yup, that time. The time when I walk around really wishing someone would piss me off so I could bash them over the head with a frying pan or disembowel them and tie them to a tree, the time when I go to bed and bury my head under the pillow to get away from these thoughts.
I realized that all the emotions that come up with PMT for me are all the emotions I can generally deal with the rest of the month. They annoy me but I have a sense of perspective about them or maybe even, I am not dealing with them properly, that they sit there and wait until they get big enough so I have to do something about them. So once a month is a release valve. The stuff that I am not looking at grows horns and a tail and gets as ornery as a scorpion in a glass jar. Reason goes out the window and everyone else gets the blame.
What was pissing me off this time was the fact that I was waiting for Paul to take care of me, to sort out things in my life and I was feeling trapped. Honestly, when I look at my life and the choices I have made in the past few months I have put myself here in this position. Things I want that I have to be patient until they arrive. I have to get proactive and take care of myself, then I don’t have to be pissed off at him or annoyed at him and we can all be happy!
Interesting thing about PMT is that I am starting to learn to use it as an early warning system. What is annoying me that I am ignoring when I have the energy to keep it buried? That at this time of the month when my defenses are down it all comes out in a rage. It is a time also though that I don’t want to confront these things, I don’t have the perspective about it, I just want to get annoyed about them and bite someone’s head off, I go to bed sometimes and cry. I feel weepy and vague and unfocused and unable to really voice what I am feeling in any way that might make sense to me, let alone to anyone else.
What I do is note what’s going on, make little mental flags and stick them up and try to live with the red ball sitting in my stomach. Curl up or go for a walk. Sometimes I can’t even work because the frustration wants me to do something, anything, to fix what I am feeling, fall into control, control anything, just to make me feel better.
I still get caught by it. I still get depressed and think I am no good and my art sucks and my writing is no good and who am I to share how I see the world with anyone. It takes me anything from a few hours to a whole day before the light dawns and I think ‘oh, yeah, it’s that time again, this will pass’ and I feel a little better.
So run away! Warning flag is up and waving and I am going to hide until I have access to my rational faculties again and can look at my life with a clear view and decide how I want to sort out what came up this time…
October 9th, 2008 at 9:10 am
After being pregnant and/or nursing for three of the last four years, I will never again underestimate the power of hormones. They completely changed me until I could no longer recognize myself. What sort of craziness must men have to deal with, having that testosterone blazing all the time?
But I would say you still have your logic about you, even if you can’t access it in the moment. And that painting is awesome. Sometimes that energy gives us a peek into something deeper and more primal than we might deal with on a daily basis.
I also think that you have discovered a powerful tool there, too. Of course it’s a release valve! Of course these are things that have been troubling you before! Of course you should pay attention! It seems so obvious once you’ve made the connection.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:41 am
‘hermones’ was actually the name of this picture. They really take over, don’t they! scary energy sometimes but it has a power to it that can give us such strength