things I have realised

I have been self exploring lately, always a good thing to do and always there are some gems waiting to be discovered in the knot of my tangledom.

Paul asked me to write him a few lines about the workshop I had done and I was thinking about what to write and then I thought hey i could write a post and then tell him to read it! (hi gorgeous..x)

The weekend workshop was called the Language of Love and so people arrive maybe expecting how to make their relationship better with their partners but end up looking at their relationship with themselves. How can I love someone else if I don’t love myself? or if I am working from fear and a need to keep men happy how can I truly be myself in a relationship. This is the stuff we looked at.. ourselves. The beloved inside that so often gets silenced and ignored to try to control our partner and change him instead of just loving and being happy.

Women sometimes keep themselves small so men will stick around. I know I have done this and I remember realising I do this, stay in a place of needing help or not truly expressing myself just in case I end up on my own with nobody to love me. boo hoo poor little cliodhna .

It is important for me to express myself for me and express myself with my partner, I am too used to keeping secrets, and not even big secrets but just things I don’t want to admit to myself and so definitely don’t want to admit to anyone else, especially not a man I am having a relationship with. I might lose control and he will see me as weak and not want to be with me. But the thing is every time I push myself to talk and be really open it actually brings us closer together. Maybe I am slow learner and I have run away from commitment in the past but its a really nice discovery, oh look I can actually talk about this and it makes it better.

What else did I get from the weekend, a wonderful connection to me that I had been struggling to find and a sight of the wonderfulness of everything. we walk around in our boxes and thats all they are, a thin layer of cardboard between us and the hugeness and marvelousness of the world. that beetle song.. all you need is love.. true and thats all there is too but we create our worlds out of it and construct our shapes to live in and all it really is is light/love/energy we can make anything we want out of.

I am taxing my car tomorrow so no more excuses and this is another place in my life where I have let other people be in charge and didn’t take responsibility for my life. Fear of the future ‘what if’ , fear of being truly in power of my own life. No more! I am trying to think of a name for the car, I think she is a she, she is a gusty she with a rumble in her voice I like.

So I hope this is a good few lines for Paul. I push him quite a lot I think, but I think he can handle it. He gets a nervous look on his face when I say I need to talk, like he’s in trouble, and then a look of relief when he sees I just need to vent. Hey, maybe I can persuade him to write a post about it! What do you think Paul? huh? huh? x

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