unraveling

I was doing my recap today when I was thinking that doing personal work like the workshops I do in the Toltec is like unraveling a big twisted knot. You have to find an end and start there and work your way into the centre of the knot. Start with the little knots and they will give you energy (inner strength) to face the biggies when they come along. Sometimes a big one just melts away unexpectably and you have a few yards of free wool before you reach the next tangle. Patience and doing things in the proper order is called for, no point tackling a knot if there is one before it that needs to be done first.

As a mirror to this I realised a few days ago that lessons arrive as I need to learn them. It gives me a wonderful sense of freedom when I realise I don’t have to control me or my world, that all flows as it should. I wrote a big hippy post about a while ago to do with snowflakes and water and reiki. Let the energy flow and it will go where it needs to. Hard to let go sometimes though, old habits come up and I catch myself trying to change or ‘fix’ someone or something.
What got me thinking about this was that instead of looking at something big like family issues in my recap today I  decided to look at driving. I am 35 and I am just really starting. Partly of course I had a bike for years and it was all I needed in a city and also Irelands heavy Insurance/car tax but they are just excuses to me not getting my own car and starting to drive. I realised it was down to the same old chestnut of me not feeling up to situations that might arise. Future dread. Possibilities of failure. Of course when I do get behind a wheel and drive I am very calm and sorted and well capable and I feel amazing after having done it. I just need practise. I have to demand and insist I drive to get past the block, instead of what I have done in the past of just letting others drive.

I saw a cool ford escort today. I might look at another tomorrow morning but I reckon its going to be one of those two. !!

exciting!

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buying a car part deux

so update.. my dad actually refused to go with us yesterday! he huffed and puffed a bit and said he didn’t know the first thing about cars. I think he is threatened by anything slightly different or maybe he doesn’t trust his own instincts. I don’t know. I do remember getting a few driving lessons from him years ago and after the third time I had bunny-hopped the car down the driveway him sitting there like a Mount Vesuvius of frustration. Tsk… heavy sigh… ok cliodhna, try it again. I think I have attached a lot of emotional trauma to that piece of machinery called a clutch.
I got lessons last year from a very calm instructor who explained very clearly how to do it and it was great! no problem and now I have Paul in Mexico who is a great teacher. He doesn’t get impatient. Its also an automatic car but good to get road experience without having to worry about changing gears.

So me and Eoin set off on a shopping trip. One car smelt like a portaloo that had been sitting in the sun all day, not bad smell but that chemical they use in them. Another car sounded funny even to my ears. We say a car shaped like a jaguar that was a copy and a car shaped like an old car from the 40’s that was ten years old, and we saw Herbie and a really beautiful red mini with tartan uphosltery. We saw a merc that Eoin wanted and we test drove a really nice Toyota Corolla that is on my list as ‘the most likely car I am going to buy’ spotlessly clean with perfect service history. Eoin said it drove really nice. (Eoin has a vested interest in all this because once I leave the car will be turned over to his care!)

Going to see a Ford escort this morning. I have learnt more about cars in the last few days than I knew in my whole life I think. Eoin on the other hand since the age of three has been pointing out car windows at cars that flash past saying “look! a ford prius skolla tummty from 19– with alloy tires”

me? “Look! a green car!”

buying a car with dad and brother in tow…

…who of course both know sooooo much more than me and can’t agree about anything.

Conversation example

Dad, can we go and test drive a few cars today? Daughter, wait till next week until Mr Driver is back so he can vet them. Son says, I don’t trust Mr Driver.

Dad, They are all NCT’d and taxed and there are six in bray I would like to look at. Daughter dear why would anyone nct a car, tax it and then try to sell it? I don’t know dad, can we just go and see them. They will sell you a pig in a poke says he.

Eoin at this point is still asleep being a nocturnal animal generally. I see trouble when we actually go to test drive these cars. Eoin figures he knows more than anyone else about anything and so does my dad. Sigh

I really just want a really cool car, an old one like the ones I see around mexico. From the 70’s, a big wide ford, or one with curvly shaped body bits and old wooden dashboards. Cars are really boring these days. There is a volkswagen beetle for sale here for 7000 euro. My god, they are two a penny in mexico. Everyone drives one. They are amazing little cars, they just go and go and go and go, up mountains and down hills and still keeping on going.

tears…

this picture is about the judge that lives in us. I find him very strong sometimes. The guilt that tells us we have done a bad thing, the voice that says we shouldn’t have fun, should be more successful, more happy, more creative, more talented, more whatever. It is also the voice which judges other people too. We judge outside of ourselves so we don’t have to face our own perceived shortcomings. The judge in the picture is not touching the ground because he is not connected with the earth but lives entirely in the mind.
There is healing going on here too though, my higher self sees the judge giving out to the small child and is sending healing energy.
Down with the judge! We are all perfect just the way we are…

The next picture is tears. I find I go straight to tears whenI am doing emotional work. Part of it is buried anxiety or hidden fears or old sadnesses that I haven’t faced and which have built up and part of it is fear of letting go, the mind wants to hang onto to its control as long as it possibly can. I have actually gotten quite accepting of crying in front of people and very accepting of other people crying. I am happy to sit and be a witness, give support and just let them go through their process.

I am sitting in my parents house in Ireland writing this and it is beautiful outside. A perfect irish summer day. Sunny, calm, birds singing. I am going to have breakfast and then go for a walk in the mountains.

x clio