I have been asking myself this question recently, why do I do art? why do I paint pictures or make things for people to buy and also the question what do I really want to say?
I think the two are intricately intertwined. I have had a realization recently about my art and my self expression as a whole. I remember about six years ago now (how time goes!) I realised that if I wanted to do what I love as a living it was going to have to pay for itself, so, without compromising my self-expression I was going to have to get out there into the world and do the business angle and sell myself. I have struggled with this, wanting to find someone to do it for me or not being ready or chaffing against the rhythm of having shows or looking for galleries and the slow growth into a recognised artist. What ever that means in my head.
I have realised recently that underlying that intention was a need for approval from the world. A seeking of validation of myself as an artist from others outside of me. Yes, there is a balance of accepting feedback and considering suggestions, but not when that need comes between me and my true self-expression. With this intention of looking for approval this part of me that needs this validation is constantly trying to edit what I say or draw to fit how it thinks it needs to be to get the desired result. This sabotages my conscious decision to make my own path. It sneaks into everything, how I price my pictures, how I plan frames and display, how I approach galleries.
This leads onto what I want to say in my art. I have come to a stop here. I have to silence that unconcious intent or change it to be able to listen to my own voice and let it flow. Not be afraid to be silent until I have something to say. My best art has come from a free flow of ideas from a sure place of calmness. The watercolours I did in madrid and the acrylics I did in mexico were I feel, looking back, the first upsurgings from my own creative well that I saw this flow and allowed it to happen. Some of them work better than others for me or say more but that doesn’t matter, in their simplicity they each say exactly what was in that moment. I learnt from that feeling of flowing and that is where I need to go to find the source.
Why do I paint? because it makes me happy, seeing what emerges, smelling the oil paint or the shine of the wet colour as I apply it, or the excitment of a new idea to start, or the satisfaction of a piece done and finished. Seeing what was once in your head now alive and part of the world, changed but still the same feeling behind it.
I am shifting this intention of needing approval and I am curious as to what is going to happen with my art. I don’t need to make beautiful things for me to feel a sense of worth in the world. I make them because I love making them and it helps me solidify and make sense of what I want to understand about myself and the world around me.
happy new 2008! x cliodhna
Shared with Flock - The Social Web Browser
http://flock.com
